wow, i've gotten really off track this summer.  i've gotten to the point where i'm so bored in life i sound like eeyore from winnie the pooh...that is not good, not good at all.  as i read a paper i wrote at the end of my first semester of school for my engineering class, i realize how off track from my thoughts at that time i've gotten.  although the paper is about my "life plan" it essentially entails that i really am not sure what my life plan is, i simply have goals i'd like to accomplish and things i'd like to do, but planning and worrying about planning gets you nowhere happy.  i'm right back to where i got away from when i wrote that paper.  i've somehow gotten right back to the very place i never wanted to be, the place i wrote the paper hoping never having to get back to.  i find myself worrying too much about the future that i do not enjoy now.  i have not gone out during the week and really enjoyed myself in a while, except for tonight, fourth of july with tom.  it was fun.  i realized what i was doing, i realized i work my ass off for nothing.  if you work so much to get money to do stuff, you soon realize you might have the money but no time to do it because you've worked so much.  yeah, i may not be rich or really 'have the money' but i certainly have worked myself too much and do nothing aside from get on at exit 6, off at exit 8, and do it all again each day.  go to target, sleep, get online, eat, and watch tv....what a thrilling summer.   since may, i have not once layed out outside on my deck or at a pool.  i havent really gone out with friends much.  i dont really get to see or talk to tom as much as i'd like.  the talking thing is really whats killing me more than anything cause i'm used to weekends only b/c of school.  it really is killing me.  i totally undertstand that he's at camp for the kids and i really do think that spending time at night in the lodges with the kids is some of the best time to make real connections with them, i've had many of my best conversations late at night, so i can't let myself be upset or anything about not talking to him, cause that'd be selfish.  and as much as i want to be selfish, i envy him sometimes.  i want to be able to make a connection with little kids, i miss hanging out with them, i miss feeling like i'm 5 again, instead i work 30-40 hours a week.  i play adult.  i dont wanna grow up.  i dont wanna get a real job, i wanna have fun.  i know i can do both, i just havent yet.

i need to set goals, i need to have fun, i need to relax.  i also really need to talk to the people i love and need most, but i'll have to deal with the setting goals stuff and relaxing first this summer i guess.  short term goals, cause i can make all the long term ones i want, but i gotta have stepping stones.

a year from now.... (tentatively assuming i transfer, which is still tentative, i havent even given lipscomb another chance) i want to move into an apartment in murfreesboro

thats all i can think of really right now...

i really just need to stop being so negative.  i know being at home with mr cynical doesnt help, but i really do love my dad, i just hate how cynical and negative he is but i know there's factors that contribute to that and it kills me i cant really fix them.  and i know it has a lot to do with mom, but there's not much i can do about that....

i also need to get back in touch more with God.  the big guy, you know the guy who kinda created all of us, we disobeyed him then he sent his only son to cover our mistake.  that one.  yeah kinda need to talk to him more and seek his guidance more.  he knows a whole lot more about planning out my life than i do.  he's a little better at it. hah. 

ok if you're really in a reading mood.....here's that paper i was talking about...

EXTRA BONUS SECTION  (aren't you excited?!, you should be)

ok just kidding i'm posting it in the next blog, its long....