gotta love it when you feel like your parents are just disappointed in you.... its a great feeling.

school
job
boyfriend/school combination
friends

things i obviously suck at.  to start off, they do not dislike tom, but they think that i'm considering leaving lipscomb and going to mtsu because of him.  i mean i admit my school decisions in may do not look good for that argument, but seriously.  i mean yeah in may when i was like 'no i'm staying at lipscomb' it was while tom and i were broken up, and that was a factor.  i could not go to mtsu when i felt like whitney and i were on weird terms, wasnt really speaking to liz, and tom and i (in my mind, from the perceptions i got) were over for good.  that did not sound appealing to me.  and yes my parents say to that "well you shouldnt let people make your decisions" but they just dont understand how hard that would have been for me.  it was nice that i would have had someone, several people, to lean on as i was adjusting.  when it looked like all of those were gone out the window, it just scared the hell outta me and i ran from it.  i also had this feeling i should stay at lipscomb another semester/year and figured i'd just go with that.  so may goes on, tom and i begin fixing things.  june comes along, he goes off to camp, summer gets harder than i thought.  the first summer home after college is hard, but i didnt realize it would be hard like this.  i cannot talk to him during the weeks, and i do not get the letters i thought i'd be able to rely on.  keep this in mind, this is not complaining about him, this is just saying this summer is not easy for me at all.  but there's nothing that could really be changed, except maybe some more letters. 

so june, i begin questioning my lipscomb decision, end of june.  i decide 'oh crap, maybe i made a mistake on a whim in an emotional time' and think i might go to mtsu after all.  think about it for about a week before even mentioning it to the parents.  mention i'm 'thinking' about it, and they get pissed.  go on a rant about how i'm indecisive, irresponsible, selfish, etc etc.  because making this decision affects everyone.  and i obviously dont realize how many people i'm hurting by being 'irrational' and toying with my future.  this is after i even mention about thinking about it.  they try to tell e they're going to exercise their executive parental privilege and make me stay at lipscomb.  um no.  its my future, my loans to incur, my education which will lead to my career.  yes they are contributing to financing it, but ultimately it affects my life 4 years from now.  but obviously i should make the decision that will hurt no one else and make me potentially unhappy.  obviously thats what they think i should do....

ultimately i go to mtsu and it seems like it can work, then go to lipscomb to make sure and decide to give it another semester just to see what happens there.. if i'm not 100% sure i'll just stay another semester and see.  logical right?  i thought so.  parents think its irresponsible and that i should guarantee a year.  i'm not going to, i'm only guaranteeing a semester.  if i decide to transfer, i can, all the applications got moved over to spring 2008.  but if i decide to stay i can.  i'll figure that out this fall.  i just hope i legitimately give it a chance and dont just give up.  but yeah so they're pissed about that.  suddenly they're all on the lipscomb ball.  lipscomb has a better job placement, lipscomb looks better, on and on...lipscomb has better networking....you're just going to mtsu for tom....all these things they tell me all the time...."quit toying with your future with no regard to how it affects everyone else'  just the usual....i dont like it.  it does not make me happy. 

i mean i'm not happy in general right now.  i'm not happy at target anymore.  but they think i should stay because its a paycheck.  i'm 19, i dont need to stay in a job i dont enjoy anymore.  i dont want to stay in a job i dont enjoy.  if they dont offer me this HR thing and work within my schedule, i'm gonna go on leave, work christmas break, and then possibly not come back next summer.  i wanna work at victorias seecret at school, just gotta potentially buy clothes for that.  or work on campus some and work at an after school program or babysit.  i dunno.  they think i should drive out here 30 miles to do target even if its not HR.  i dont wanna.  we'll see about that.  i just wanna enjoy my summer for now.

and i really miss tom, like really bad.  i need him back, its getting so much harder to do this not talking during the week thing.  when i have nights like this where the parents get all weird, i need him.  but i cant tell him about any of this until friday or saturday.  which sucks, big time....

gotta love disappointing the parents, its obviously something i do best....

wow, i've gotten really off track this summer.  i've gotten to the point where i'm so bored in life i sound like eeyore from winnie the pooh...that is not good, not good at all.  as i read a paper i wrote at the end of my first semester of school for my engineering class, i realize how off track from my thoughts at that time i've gotten.  although the paper is about my "life plan" it essentially entails that i really am not sure what my life plan is, i simply have goals i'd like to accomplish and things i'd like to do, but planning and worrying about planning gets you nowhere happy.  i'm right back to where i got away from when i wrote that paper.  i've somehow gotten right back to the very place i never wanted to be, the place i wrote the paper hoping never having to get back to.  i find myself worrying too much about the future that i do not enjoy now.  i have not gone out during the week and really enjoyed myself in a while, except for tonight, fourth of july with tom.  it was fun.  i realized what i was doing, i realized i work my ass off for nothing.  if you work so much to get money to do stuff, you soon realize you might have the money but no time to do it because you've worked so much.  yeah, i may not be rich or really 'have the money' but i certainly have worked myself too much and do nothing aside from get on at exit 6, off at exit 8, and do it all again each day.  go to target, sleep, get online, eat, and watch tv....what a thrilling summer.   since may, i have not once layed out outside on my deck or at a pool.  i havent really gone out with friends much.  i dont really get to see or talk to tom as much as i'd like.  the talking thing is really whats killing me more than anything cause i'm used to weekends only b/c of school.  it really is killing me.  i totally undertstand that he's at camp for the kids and i really do think that spending time at night in the lodges with the kids is some of the best time to make real connections with them, i've had many of my best conversations late at night, so i can't let myself be upset or anything about not talking to him, cause that'd be selfish.  and as much as i want to be selfish, i envy him sometimes.  i want to be able to make a connection with little kids, i miss hanging out with them, i miss feeling like i'm 5 again, instead i work 30-40 hours a week.  i play adult.  i dont wanna grow up.  i dont wanna get a real job, i wanna have fun.  i know i can do both, i just havent yet.

i need to set goals, i need to have fun, i need to relax.  i also really need to talk to the people i love and need most, but i'll have to deal with the setting goals stuff and relaxing first this summer i guess.  short term goals, cause i can make all the long term ones i want, but i gotta have stepping stones.

a year from now.... (tentatively assuming i transfer, which is still tentative, i havent even given lipscomb another chance) i want to move into an apartment in murfreesboro

thats all i can think of really right now...

i really just need to stop being so negative.  i know being at home with mr cynical doesnt help, but i really do love my dad, i just hate how cynical and negative he is but i know there's factors that contribute to that and it kills me i cant really fix them.  and i know it has a lot to do with mom, but there's not much i can do about that....

i also need to get back in touch more with God.  the big guy, you know the guy who kinda created all of us, we disobeyed him then he sent his only son to cover our mistake.  that one.  yeah kinda need to talk to him more and seek his guidance more.  he knows a whole lot more about planning out my life than i do.  he's a little better at it. hah. 

ok if you're really in a reading mood.....here's that paper i was talking about...

EXTRA BONUS SECTION  (aren't you excited?!, you should be)

ok just kidding i'm posting it in the next blog, its long....

Embracing the Cube

 

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that’s waiting for us.”

--Joseph Campbell (US folklorist and mythology expert)

Recently, I have completely changed my outlook on my life.  If you had asked me four months ago what my “life plan” was, I probably could have recounted an itinerary for the rest of my life.  I could have told you what I wanted to do, where I was going to college, what “College B” was if that college did not work out, and the types of things I wanted out of life.  I could have even told you what type of car I wanted to drive when I had acquired my spot in Corporate America amongst the multitudes of cubicles, parking garages, and meaningless water-cooler conversations.  All of this has since changed.  Where I once was a person who actually aspired to work in a cubicle, I now aspire to change the very way cubicles exist.  Where I once wanted to just blend in with the rest of the corporate drones and go with the flow, I know want to go against the flow and change the very way corporate America functions.  I entered Lipscomb University as a freshman engineering major with my life planned out in front of me from start until finish.  I now, still a freshman, am planning on majoring in Industrial Psychology with a minor in Management. I have no idea where I want to work and could care less about what type of “corporate car” I drive (as long as it’s dark grey). 

My “life plan” has changed for many reasons this semester.  I’ve realized that if I spend all of my time planning out every little detail of every second of my life, I do not enjoy the things that are right in front of me.  If I spend each minute of every day worrying about whether or not I will succeed in my “plan,” then what time do I have left over to enjoy my life while I’m still young?  Someone once said “don’t take life too seriously; you’ll never get out alive.”  That person also said, “If you're always thinking about the future, then you kinda forget about the present.”  These quotes ring true every day as I see myself being able to enjoy my life more because I don’t worry (as much) about my “plan” and I don’t spend my time “planning to plan.” I’ve also found my faith strengthened this semester as my original “plan” was blown to pieces and I had nowhere left to turn.  I had not made a Plan B.  My plan was the way things were going to happen and that was the end of it.  However, around mid-semester, I hit a low point where I just had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and just wanted to run away from it all.  I realized that I had been trying to do everything on my own and figure everything out instantly.  That’s not the way the world works.  While talking to my mother one day, she left me with a quote that hit home with me.  She told me the same thing several people were currently telling me, only she phrased it a bit differently:  “God hates plans, unless they’re His.”  This had never been so true than in that moment.  I realized how foolish I was for trying to plan my life out the way I wanted it when He knows what’s best for me and, if I just trust in Him, he will guide me.  Jeremiah 29:11 states this clearly: “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  I had been trying to do things too much on my own without relying on Him.  Philosopher Epictetus encompasses what I realized in this low point of the semester: “There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.”  Another verse that spoke to me in this time was Proverbs 4:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all things acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.”

After spending a large amount of time in prayer and reflection, I still had no clue what I wanted to do, but I just decided not to worry about it and let things happen as they may.  Not to be confused with indifference or a lack of concern, I still have a framework of a plan, but it’s not so concrete that there is no room for change.  I have general life goals and things I’d like to accomplish, but my plan is not completely my own.  After starting a book (which I am currently still reading) called “Cure for the Common Life:   Living in Your Sweet Spot” by Max Lucado, I’ve realized that I should step back and look at where my passions lie and what I’m good at in life before deciding what majors and career paths I want to take.  Lucado encourages his readers to look at patterns of things they’ve enjoyed doing since childhood such as figuring out problems or playing the leader of a group.  As I looked back on my childhood and adolescent years, I realized that I often enjoyed just watching other people and the ways they did things and then finding better ways to accomplish the same things.  I realized that I enjoy “figuring people out” and “people watching.”  Both of these skills tie in directly to my plans and career goals in life.

My ultimate goal in life (in a large scale) is to improve Corporate America one cubicle at a time.  To accomplish this, I plan to pursue a degree in Industrial/Organizational Psychology with a minor, or possibly double major in Management.  I also enjoy current events in politics, so I’m looking into taking several political science classes in college.  My ultimate career goal, after college, is to be either an Industrial Psychologist or a Management consultant in a large company.  In the early years of my career, I would like to work within a Human Resources department.  Eventually, I hope to be in some type of supervisory position.  I feel that I would enjoy being in charge of a group of people while still having someone in charge of me.  I’m not sure if I would feel comfortable being the ultimate boss (i.e. CEO), however, holding a management position would be very fulfilling for me.  Other general career goals include my desire to travel and have constant variety in my job.  I plan to never allow myself to have a career that I do not enjoy.  The amount in which I travel will decrease as my career progresses when I get married and start a family.  I hope to someday have a profound impact on the way that corporate America functions through the central core of the cubicle system.  I want to ensure that employees can still express themselves while conforming to the rules of the company.  Cartoonist Al Capp once defined success as “following the pattern of life that one enjoys most.”  Eventually, I might even write a book entitled, “Thinking Out of the Box While Working in a Cube:  the Corporate Slave’s Guide to Embracing the Cube.”  I feel that that title encompasses the essence of what I hope to accomplish: never conforming so much to society that I become just another face in the crowd. 

My immediate professional goals include internships and networking.  I plan to pursue an internship the summer after my sophomore year somewhere within the field of industrial psychology or human resources management.  In doing an internship before I am required to declare a major my junior year, I hope to ensure myself that I am majoring in what I actually want to do after graduation.  After my junior year, I want to have another internship in a company that may offer me a position after graduation.  This internship is very important to my professional goals.  If this internship goes well, and my schooling allows, I would like to co-op a year before graduating to get a year of working under my belt before acquiring my degree and gain practical experience.  This extra year of work will, hopefully, boost my resume and increase my chances of getting exactly the job I desire. 

After graduation, I have two options:  option A where I go directly on to graduate school and get my masters in Industrial Psychology or option B where I work for a few years, get some experience, and my company provides assistance for my master’s degree.  Which option I choose to take will depend heavily on how well my internship(s) have gone as well as my feelings towards school in general.  I will choose option B if I feel burnt out on school or if financial reasons insist.  However, option A would be a possibility if I participate in a co-op program and already have a year or more of experience under my belt upon graduation.   Whichever option I choose, it will be the best for my career, me, and my family (if that is a factor at that time).  Graduate school is just an option and a likely one if I decide to pursue my career goal of becoming an Industrial Psychologist.  Upon completion of my degree, I aspire to attain a job doing something I love.  One of my life goals is to never stay in a “dead end” job.. 

Other general goals in my professional career include to constantly seek to put my family first.  When my career takes off as an Industrial Psychologist or any type of consultant, my job could entail travel and a large amount of work in chunks.  A life goal of mine has always been to prioritize family above work.  Once I have children, I hope to take some time off from my job to stay home with them and, eventually, go back to work.  I want to be the best wife, mother, and friend I can to my family and those around me, so I realize that my plan could change with these factors as time progresses.   Once my children are old enough to enroll in school, I plan on becoming actively involved in the school board and using my skills as an Industrial Psychologist to possibly work on the school board.  I realize that whatever plan I come up with or decide upon, it is constantly subject to change.  Phillip Crosby states this very simply in saying:

“If anything is certain, it is that change is certain.  The world we are planning for today will not exist in this form tomorrow.”

 

However my plan ends up being fulfilled, my main goal in life is to do whatever I do not for myself but for the glory of God and the furthering of His kingdom.  I realize that some of my plans may seem like very large and unattainable goals, however, I feel that the best way to dream is to dream big.  American architect Daniel Burnham puts this mindset simple in saying:

“Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood and probably will themselves not be realized. Make big plans; aim high in hope and work, remembering that a noble, logical diagram once recorded will not die.”

i know i should just be happy and content with what i'm doing now. but i'm not, suprise suprise. i was then on an impulse i changed my mind to stay at lipscomb and now i'm questioning that, but i guess all i can do is give it another semester and see. i want to transfer to mtsu. i can take classes when i want with teachers i can actually choose because there are more options than 2. i do not have a curfew, i do not have dumb rules. i will have freedom. this is college i am supposed to have freedom. i dont know i'm just frustrated by this. mtsu makes sense, and its cheaper which means less loans, fjsdfkjfjkadjkfd

i want to transfer i want to be with tom i want to have freedom i want to not be indecisive.......

bleh

i know i know, i'm going to stay at lipscomb for another semester and see...but MTSU is once again looking like something i should have done.  listen to these classes i can take at mtsu and not lipscomb

school psychology
psychology of criminal behavior
personality theory
foundations of school counseling
psychopathology
principles in behavioral analysis
perspectives on perception and sensation
child psychology
social psychology of close relationships
psychology of happiness and wellbeing
astronomy
tennessee history
dance appreciation, definitely not allowed at LU, hah
educational psychology
journalism classes if i please....
etc....

and i would NOT have to take chemistry or biology, or music appreciation, or art appreciation, and i would actually get to pick classes to take as electives....

we'll see in november

hmmmm gotta love late night moods...

fjdafjsjffdslksajklfskjl

thats what i think of school and my crazy complicating mind..

my boyfriend is amazing.

today was my birthday. it was good i guess. nothing too special. layed out for a bit with kelly then discovered the amazingness that is marble slab. mmm..birthday cake with oreos...mmmmmm..  then worked on something then dinner with whit and rachael.  was kinda disappointed that more people couldnt come but we still had fun.  we hadnt all hung out in a while.  it was nice,  then hung out at whits for a bit.  now home.  i did acquire some cds, dvds, and a victorias secret gift card that will get used soon.  yay!

i just wish that i would have gotten to spend it with tom.  or kc.  do not get me wrong i had an amazing time with whit and rachael, i just miss the other two.  i just wish kc would have gotten to come down.  and i wish i would get to spend my birthday with my boyfriend.  i mean birthdays are days you feel special and i just wish he could be here and take me out and just make me feel special.  hope thats not cocky.  but i wont get to spend a birthday with him for the next 4 years because he has camp training during this week so he'll always be gone.  and then our anniversary will probably end up on a week day and he'll be at camp.  dont get me wrong, i love that he has this job because i see how happy it makes him, but it kinda puts a damper on making summer plans with him since he's always gone.  yes i could go work there, but i just really dont know if its for me.  i dunno.  i just miss him a lot and weekends are, this summer anyway, few.  i mean i have family vacation and he has 2 weeks straight in july.  during the month of june, i'll only see him like 5 times.  i saw him 5 times in one week in may.  it was just nice that i got to see him more.  i liked it.  but back to weekends now.... then he moves into the house in august which puts him an hour away.....then he's there and i'm in hendersonville/nashville so its at least 30 min to an hour away.....its annoying somewhat.  i mean maybe i'll be at mtsu my jr year, maybe not.  i feel like i owe it to myself to pursue this feeling i have that i should stay at lipscomb for now.  i'm gonna be pissed if its for nothing....but we'll see.  i just hate that it means i only see tom on the weekends.  cause i want to see him more....but its not looking like thats happening anytime soon and it just pisses me off.  i just hope it will continue to work with these weekend only things. 

i mean i guess its just cause i'm still in an emotionally fragile state because of all of the whirlwinds of emotions that i've gone through in the past few months.  its like i know he loves me and i trust it i'm just being cautious.  i wish i could throw all caution to the wind and just whatever, but for some reason my mind is stuck in caution mode and i want to get out of it.  but time...time will heal whatever and trust will be restored completely but i cant just expect it to magically reappear.  i love him completely  and he does me so time is going to make us as amazing as ever.